To Live Doesn't Mean You're Alive

I’ve been so discouraged lately.  My draping class is hard!  It sucks the life out of me.  I dread going to class because at the end of it, I’m just more angry, confused, frustrated, discouraged, and sad.   I look at the muslin on the dressform and my mind will go blank.  Even after listening to lecture, reading the directions in the book, and re-reading my notes, it still doesn’t make any sense to me.  I don’t know how to proceed and when I do start something, I make mistake after mistake forcing me to redo the whole thing.  What would take other students fifteen minutes, took me an hour (or more).  Super slow motion, man.  And the whole point of me going super slow is to check and double check my work, yet I still make mistakes.  They are stupid ones.  Then I spend more time trying to figure out how or why I made the mistake so I don’t do it again.  It is so ridiculous.  I know I’m not stupid, but I feel so helpless and hopeless that I act stupid.  Despite my efforts and hard work, I feel there is no progress and that everything I do is wrong. Every day, I am near tears.


What am I doing here?  What do I want to do? Do I have the talent and skill (because it doesn’t feel like it)?  Do I have the patience and drive to develop it? What are my plans?  Am I going to get my fashion design degree, or just take the classes I think I need until I’m ready to strike out on my own?  Can I start my own business?  What kind of business?  Should I work in the industry instead?  Should I transfer to an art or fashion school?  Realistically, what are my long term goals?  How will I support myself while I pursue this, whatever this “thing” is?  What if I don’t “make it?” What is my back-up plan? 


I have a terrible track record when it comes to sticking to something.  Whenever things have gotten tough, I’ve given up or taken the easy way out.  For example, after a year or two of sort of trying to find a teaching position, I gave up.  I blamed my lack of experience, the recession, budget cuts, racism, ageism, and old English teachers not retiring.  But in reality, if I had really wanted to be a teacher, I would’ve found a way to make it happen.  I could’ve volunteered somewhere, applied for more subbing positions, or even worked in Oakland (they always need teachers).  But I wasn’t willing to think more creatively or take the extra, more difficult steps needed to gain experience and employment.  Instead, I jumped on something else (fashion design) because that’s just easier than following through.  So, I’m thinking is this just another one of those things that I will eventually give up once it gets too hard?  Do I really even want this?  If I did, I would’ve learned to sew back in high school and made all sorts of crazy things.  I would’ve been selling on Etsy.  I would’ve started my blog years ago.  If I had really wanted to be a fashion designer, all these things I’m trying to do now would have already been done.  I say I want this, but am I willing to make sacrifices, be uncomfortable, and do whatever it takes to do this?  The answer is yes and no, depending on the day and how I feel.  I want to get to a place where it is a definite “YES!”  And on good days, it is because I feel like I can conqueror the world.  But on days like this, I just want to throw all my work away, find a 9 to 5 job, make decent money, and settle for “good enough.”       


I’m so scared because this is not practical.  What I want is a long shot, one in a million.  I cannot even conceive of being a fashion designer, let alone a world famous one.  There are so many talented, motivated, and skillful people out there that struggling to “make it.”  Just look at the millions of sellers on Etsy.  And I have yet to make something completely original, let alone showcase it or sell it.  


The last two days have been better.  Coming in for extra lab time has helped, but I’m still behind.  I’ll think I’m making progress and hit some sort of snag where the book or my notes can’t help me with and I’m just super confused.  Like today, I spent the entire lab trying to attach my front and back skirt panels together.  Come to find out something is wrong with my waistband so I didn’t get a chance to drape my sleeve onto the bodice like I had planned.  Consequently, instead of transferring my muslin markings (where darts and seams should go) onto paper tonight like I was supposed to, I’m here bitching about how hard my life is.  


Despite my misgivings and lack of confidence, I know why I’m pursuing this.  It’s not just the unappealing alternatives: some clerical desk job or, worse, trying to teach Steinbeck to spoiled and lazy, teenage brats.  It’s more than just wanting to make beautiful clothes.  Of course that’s part of it.  I don’t know if I will explain it all clearly, but it boils down to three things: creating art, gaining independence, and leaving a legacy. 

First, I see fashion as another form of art.  For it to truly inspire and awaken the senses, it has to be innovative (nothing ever done before), transformative (change perceptions), and communicative (there’s a theme or message).  Coco Chanel is a perfect example of someone that accomplished all three.  She was innovative because she put woman in simple, comfortable clothing.  This was considered scandalous and crazy at the time, especially with her use of jersey knit fabric (traditionally only used in underwear).  Her style was transformative because it challenged that time period’s notion of beauty (accentuated curves, long hair, lavish jewelry, and opulent dresses).  The message was that elegance and beauty should be effortless, therefore clothes should be simple and subtle.  In addition, she paid homage to the working class, as she was an orphan herself, by copying their uniforms.  Baggy, flared pants; striped shirts; and pull over sweaters were all “borrowed” from sailors and fisherman.  Also, the first LBD (little black dress) was modeled after a maid’s uniform.  I think the theme was that elegance and beauty are not reserved only for the rich and privileged.  The working class have their own charm and beauty, even if they cannot afford expensive, fancy clothes. It’s ironic that an orphan girl who celebrated the working class and shunned extravagance created a clothing brand exclusively worn by the wealthy.  But anyway I want to do something like that.  I want to create art.

Second,fashion design (or any artistic field) is about independence because my ideas and skills are mine.  No one can take that away from me or tell me how I should do something.  I can have absolute creative control.  I can make and sell whatever I want.  I’m my own boss!  Also, sewing is a useful skill.  My teacher once told me that when she decided to move to Finland with her husband, everyone tried to discourage her because she didn’t speak the language and wouldn’t be able to find a job.  She moved anyway and found a job despite being a foreigner. The beauty of fashion design is that that I can make a living anywhere.  People need clothes and sewing, like math, is a universal language.

Third, it’s more than just living a purposeful and self-satisfying life; I want to make a positive impact on the world.  I want to be remembered for leaving something behind that was significant or useful to society, a legacy.  Most importantly, I want to leave the world in better shape than it was before.  I want people to wear my clothes and think, “Damn. If Dorothy wasn’t born, there wouldn’t have been ________, _________, and _______.  We would be in sad shape.  I love this _________. What would I do without it?”  

Therefore, I am so fortunate to be in a place where I can pursue my dream.  

So, what was I complaining about again?